Crime and Punishment

Kathleen is going through a particularly rebellious stage at the moment. At least I'd like to hope that it is a phase.

Everything I ask her to do, or to stop doing, is met with "NO". For example:
"Kathleen, can you come and get dressed please", "NO"
"Kathleen, come and have lunch", "No I'm busy playing"
"Kathleen, it's time to leave, can you put that toy away and come here please", "NO"
"Kathleen, let go of your sister", (screams from Victoria, Kathleen does not let go)

It gets particularly bad when we're out somewhere and it's time to go, but she just ignores me and keeps playing. For example, we're out at playgroup and it's pack up time. All the other kids and parents are putting the toys away and getting ready to leave. Kathleen holds onto the toys and stands in the middle of the room refusing to budge, and despite my explaining "Kathleen, it's pack up time, you need to put the toys away" she refuses to do so. OR it's time to leave wherever we are (creche, playgroup, the cafe) and I convince her that it's time to go and she stops what she is doing. However as soon as I turn my back (to pick up Victoria or whatever), Kathleen runs over to another toy and starts playing with it, and we have to begin the whole "Kathleen, it's time to go" routine all over again.

WHAT TO DO?

Negotiation does not work.

I've tried Time Out a couple of times at home but that doesn't really work either. I tend to only use Time Out for the big stuff like hitting and pushing, or if she gets all wound up and needs to cool off. The problem with Time Out is that Kathleen doesn't learn anything from it. All she remembers is that she was sent to her room, not why she was sent there. I know because I've asked her afterwards what she did wrong and she says "I don't know" and "you need to say sorry to me for closing my door Mummy".

Threats and bribery appear to work, for example "If you come now you can watch TV when we get home but if you muck around we won't have time to watch anything". I don't like doing this because it seems so negative and I don't want to have to bribe her to cooperate. I want her to do it because she wants to, not because she's going to get something.

Is it just a phase? Is there any other way to get through this phase without locking her in her room until it's over?


Lately I've been reminded more and more of my own rebellious teen and pre-teen years (read: "oh $h1t there's YEARS of this ahead of us). I remember one instance when I was 11 years old, when our class was supposed to be going on a class picnic at the end of the year. But it was raining and the picnic was cancelled and our class got taken to the movies instead (Return of the Jedi - boring!). The movie finished much earlier than the picnic would have, so my friend and I decided to go to the swimming pool for a while. Silly me, I dived in to the shallow end of the pool and hit my mouth on the bottom of the pool and broke a tooth. My parents were SO MAD when they found out. No so much mad that I'd broken a tooth (although they were probably mad about that too). But mostly they were mad that I'd gone off to the swimming pool without them knowing where I was. I got in so much trouble and the sleepover that I'd had planned for the following weekend was cancelled. I was so upset about that and tried to convince them that my friend shouldn't be punished just because I was in trouble.

ANYWAY, the point of this is that at the time all I cared about was the fact that my sleepover was cancelled. I didn't really think about why. I thought it was because I had gone swimming. Only now when I look back do I realise that it was not because I went swimming. It was because I went swimming WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Because they didn't know where I was and they were worried. We didn't have cellphones back then so what was I supposed to do? Go straight home of course.

My point is that it's taken me 25 years to realise just what I was being punished for (ok, I'm really not that slow, it's been a repressed memory for 24 years). So if I put myself in Kathleen's shoes and know that all she will remember is the punishment and not the crime, then how am I going to get the message through to her? Any message, be it now or in the future.

How do I teach her that she needs to do what Mummy says, not because she's going to get punished (or rewarded) but because it is the right thing to do. Because explaining this to her is not working.

-Megz